February 15, 2005, 7:00 pm
I sit alone in the frigid vestibule of a Red Lobster. I didn't want Red Lobster. I didn't want to eat out. I was bullied into it. It's my 34th birthday.
As I wait for my wife to arrive and maliciously track her progress against the hostess finding us a table, I stare absentmindedly at a young couple on the bench opposite me. They are all over each other; enjoying their moment/any moment/each moment. I am angry. I am lonely. I am sad.
At least one third of my life has passed. My predominant thought as I sit for eternity is, "I haven't done anything I want."
January 19, 2011, 3:00 am
I sit alone in a cluttered apartment. I've just woken from a bad sleep. I feel almost exactly the same as that night which comes rushing back so vividly to my mind. Except this time there's no convenient villain to blame for my feelings or my lack of progress.
Progress toward what? I haven't achieved what I want, because I haven't defined it. My life long dream was to have a family, but I was unsuccessful in finding the right woman to have it with. I was late in finding the wrong one.
As I sit on the verge of my 40th birthday I mourn my unborn children who ought to be at college leaving me to decide what to do next. I still haven't found their mother. When your dream dies, how do you find another?
Hugs. You keep your eyes open and open up your heart. You'll find what you're looking for. Don't let whatever scares you keep you from seeing wonderful. You don't have to write off your dream just because it does not pan out the way you wanted it. You just have to be flexible and be willing to find another way around an obstacle when it gets in the way of your goal. :) Be well.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say/do something to make this better for you. The one thing I can tell you is I do know a man (I used to work with him) who didn't start his family until after his 40th birthday. It just took him that long to find the right woman. He's very happy, his kids (two) are healthy, and his marriage is good.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve happiness. More than anyone I know. I have no doubt you'll find it.